It is 3:54 am on a Saturday night, (or Sunday morning). I of course have been having a horrible time sleeping lately but what woman doesn't struggle with that being 38 weeks pregnant? But tonight has been the worst of it. I don't know if its because I am getting so close to having this baby that it's actually hitting me how real this is or the fact that my life is going to change so drastically. So as I sit here on my couch wiping tears away (I know I seem to be doing this a lot lately.. lets not even mention the whole bra situation!) I share some thoughts....
my anxiety level is through the roof. I have anxiety issues anyway but I feel pregnancy has made me top the charts.
bullet points seem to be working for me lately:
MY LIST OF SCARED-NESS:
- Her movement, I feel her move every once in a while but she isn't as active, her heart beat is great but is something wrong?
- Labor and delivery. How in the world do I handle this? what if something goes wrong... I can only keep thinking of the worst case scenario and that puts a horrible picture in my head.
- Girls seem scary to raise. I can only imagine what raising a little me would be like. I can't believe my mom and dad did it. You say patience, but what if you don't have any?
- I am so worried about my dog. Laugh all you want but Range has been our center of attention forever and my heart can't take the thought of him feeling lonely
- My mom comes, but than she leaves and Dan goes back to work and life goes on as normal, but does life go on as normal?
- How much will Dan and I's relationship change? Will it change at all? I don't want to be that couple that their sole focus is on their children. I still want Dan and Lesli time, just me and him. Will we get that? Dan is my best friend and I don't want to lose that closeness with him.
- Please don't think I am one of those people but I do care what I look like and what if I can't get my body back? I don't want to be a stump, I want to still feel pretty....
- How do I not lose myself in motherhood? How do I stay me, but still be the outstanding mother that my mom is?
Please oh please understand I am so beyond thrilled for this little girl to come. there is nothing more I have wanted than to be a mother. It was not an easy road for us to get pregnant and I am on my knees every day thanking my Heavenly Father for this amazing blessing that is coming into our lives.
I am just scared.
7 comments:
Hey Les- you are great, and the fact that you have a healthy idea of the challenges that come with being a new mom means that you are more prepared to face them with patience and faith. It is hard. Things change. Adjusting isn't easy. But there are so many good things. Beautiful and fun and happy things. It's worth it.
And when your mom goes home and Dan goes back to work, I'll come over. Or I'll take June so you can sleep or call your mom and cry, or whatever you want. It helps SO MUCH to have friends when you're far from your family. Thanks for being that for us.
We love you!
These fears are all completely normal. I actually get almost all of them with every kid. I thought after the first kid I wouldn't be scared but I am every time. You will be able to have you and Dan time, just make room for it. Even if it's just at home while she is sleeping. And I'm sure you will get your body back if you want it enough. Don't worry things will be fine! Can't wait to see your little cutie!
There is nothing greater than being a mom. I know how great you are and this little girl is so lucky!! You can't get any more crazy than I am;). Love you lesli. You will be great.
How do you keep managing to make me cry when I read your blog?
You remind me a lot of myself as I took on a GIANT, HUGE new adventure in life. I was terrified.... maybe not quite as much as you :), but terrified non the less.
It's ok Les. It's ok to have anxiety, it's ok to be scared, it's OK. Life is going to change, a lot. But for the better, no, for the BEST.
You will cry all day when mom leaves, and Dan will not understand, but he will try to, and let him. Let him be the one who tries to comfort you. You will feel better the next morning and will realize it is all going to be ok, and you can do it.
Ranger will be ok. He will become protective of little June, and when that baby sleeps, Ranger will love the quality time you have with him.
Your relationship with Dan will become even better. If you can raise kids together and if Dan can survive the up and down emotions of a new mom, you can make it through anything. :) You will find a deeper relationship as you talk about June and how amazing she is and the cute things she did while he was at work. Always find time for him.
You are beautiful and your body will come back. It takes time, but it will. Just in time for you to have another baby!!!
Les- I love you. I love that you are stressing about these things. I did too. Being a mom and starting a family has the BEST thing we could have ever done. You will be amazed at how much you will love this baby! You already do. You will be an amazing mom, because you care so much.
You have Dan, an awesome Mom, sisters, etc. who will always be there for you! I am so excited for you!! It really will be ok. I promise!!
Now get some sleep, you're going to need it!!
I could have written this exact same post before I had my daughter. In fact, I still could in some aspects.
I have been through many of the same things, if you ever need some advice or vent, don't be afraid to message me.
Labor and delivery - try to keep the mindset that you are young and healthy, and will deliver like a champ! The chances of anything going wrong are small, you will all come out of it healthy and happy!
You're right...life will change. Your relationship with Dan will change, but it will change for the better if you stay close to each other and to the Lord.
Most important thing...don't let the newborn stage depict how the rest of your life will be. It's easy to think...oh my gosh, this is my life now? But it changes SO much in the first year, and once you start getting sleep again...life will become balanced again!
Don't worry about trying to subdue the worry/anxiety, it's all SO normal, and it's also VERY normal after baby arrives. Just don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it!
Just concentrate on the excitement, seriously...there are very difficult aspects, but pushing that baby out and seeing her for the first time....is unlike anything. You two will be fantastic parents!
Hey Pez- well not too much to say cause I think all the posts before pretty much covered it especially the one by Emily. Like she said the newborn stage is not how life will always be.
Remember everyday will get easier. I had the baby blues for about the first three weeks so a lot of what your feeling I had x 10 after Jaden was born, and cried for the whole time hahha. But again like everyone else said lean on your sweet hubby and your mommy cause they will help TONS!
You look great prego so getting your body back will be no problem for you just eat super healthy which is going to be the BIGGEST key to loosing weight, and of course workout. LOL I was not skinny like you starting out so you have that advantage over me. It took me a whole year to get where I am now but I'm in better shape now then I have been since high school so it's possible you just have to be motivated. Which hey I'm your gal if you need motivation or a good work out routine :)
I think having a baby makes your relationship stronger and will make you love Dan that much more seeing him with your sweet little girl so no worries! Love you Pez and you are going to be the best mommy ever...your already a wonderful friend and truely an inspiration to me! Never hesitate to call me NO MATTER what times it is if you need advice or need someone to come visit you cause I totally will be on the first plane out to help!
You're precious. You can do it. Amen and amen on your fears. Congratulations on being normal. And don't forget, its good to have friends- we are all here when you can't figure something out...oh and there's always prayer! :)
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