Thursday, August 14, 2014

Confessions of Guilt

Motherhood is no easy task. Yes, it comes easier to some than others, but no matter how easy days are or how much joy and happiness I get from motherhood, I still am in constant state of anxiety and guilt.
     Anxiety and worrying has always been my biggest weakness and I have struggled with it all my life. Anxiety over things that will never happen, or are not very likely to happen. I worry over everything, but like I said, I have dealt with it my whole life, so I have learned how to not let my worries and anxiety ruin the awesomeness of life. It's still there though. Everyday. Along with the guilt. I feel like motherhood has brought so much guilt into my life. It's insane. I know it is. It's the anxiety and worry that I'm not being all that I can be. So therefore it makes me feel guilty.
     It seriously is a constant battle, and I really am hoping that I'm not the only mom who feels this way... maybe not all the time, but at least with some choices?!
     Here is what I mean. The guilt comes obviously when it deals with June and Owen.

 Guilt when I choose to clean my house over play with the kids, but then I feel guilty for playing with the kids while the house is a disaster.

 Guilt when I let the kids play on their own, but then I feel guilty for taking up all their time with activities and not letting them use their imaginations more with free play.

Guilt for letting June watch a movie or cartoons or play on the iPad, but then I feel guilty for not letting her play the iPad, watch movies, or cartoons. How can I deprive my children cartoons??!?

 Guilt when giving them too many toys, but then guilt for not giving them enough toys.

Guilt for always saying no, but then I feel guilty for giving into every possible thing asked of me.

So on and so forth....

Then you feel guilty around other moms. Who have such a different parenting techniques that you don't even necessarily want for your children, or agree with, but for some reason the guilt comes and you wonder... Well SHOULD I be doing that with my children?! It's such a battle and it bugs me.

In general terms I am actually quite happy with how I am raising my children. And I do feel like I am a good mom. It's just the small little details of the day that the comes with the guilt.

I am currently reading a book right now called "Dad is Fat" by Jim Gaffigan. It's a book about his perspective about parenthood. It's hilarious and right on. He talks about his confession of guilt. It made me smile and feel a little better that I'm not the only crazy out there. 

He says " No matter how hard you try to be a good parent, you always know deep down that you could do more. I feel guilty when I travel out of town, I feel guilty when I'm in town and I don't spend every single moment with my children. I feel guilty when I'm spending time with my children and I am not doing something constructive toward their intellectual development. I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food they don't like. I've probably made you feel guilty reading this book. I feel guilty about that now too. Sorry."

After reading that I felt a little less guilty and a little bit better in knowing that I wasn't the only one.

So there you have it. My version of parenthood guilt. It's so annoying to me and I wish it would go away. I guess it's just a matter of picking the one you feel right about and which one makes you feel a little less guilty. Hahahaha Oh parenthood, you never disappoint.

I decided to write this today simply because of this photo. I desperately needed to get some things done, so June watched her iPad while eating frozen waffles wtih the sugary-est syrup ever. Guilt.


And yes, I feel a little guilty writing this blog post, while June is watching Jake and the Neverland Pirates. And Owen is..... somewhere.

2 comments:

Unknown said...

Oh Pez if you feel guilty than I should feel like the worst mom ever lol. The only way I get Jaden to sit through a meal is if he watches the iPad, I know it's terrible and I feel gulty all the time but we do what has to be done!

Cisneros Family said...

Just know you are doing a wonderful job as a mom!!
And remember.... Parent however the hell you want too! That's how I've decided to do it and it works for me and my family!

I let me kids watch iPads, I let them eat lucky charms for breakfast, I don't grind my own gluten free wheat, I do spoil them when I want too, I do tell them no!, I do make them brush their teeth, I do make them give me a hug every night...
People will always have a better way to parent. Always!!

I think you are a wonderful mom and your kids are going to look back someday and think, wow!, they gave a great life, just like we do wih our childhood!!

I love you! And I want to read that book now!